not much going on. just trying to decide what to do. i hate it here, but it probably wouldnt be so bad if i had a few friends. the thing is, im not good at meeting people, so the best option seems to move back home where all my friends & family are. ive been trying to find a job in the area, but jobs in elp are scarce.

been thinking about applying for the JET program as well. their deadline is coming soon, so i really need to set my goals. seems like it'd be a bit of an adventure, and id get to eat curry everyday. EVERYDAY

my little bro is joining the military soon. he cant find a decent job in elp as well, that was his motivation for joining. he got married recently as well. older bro moved in with his gf, and moved out of topeka (finally). hope he can adjust to the city.

work has been real stressful lately, but i think its starting to slow down. i hate how consuming this job can be. finally have some free time, i could start using my vacation soon. id love to take a vacation for christmas or something, not sure about where to go though. home, japan, canada, NYC, australia, new zealand, some place in europe.

its not as fun to go on a vacation unless you're with someone else.

a friend from back home told me about this punk/funk band from the late 80s called "The Tar Babies". after a ton of searching i finally found some of their music. its incredible, sounds kinda like early RHCP. the bass is crazy, even by funk standards.

been thinking about removing everyone from my LJ list. seems my depression has a tendency to disgust and/or offend others. also, id rather not bring anyone else down with me.

in any case, it seems that the anti-depressants are working. the self destructive thoughts have nearly gone away, and i have a superficial good mood for most of the days. they still come, but its quick and weak. i still need to schedule therapy, but its kinda scary. im also worried if there are any long term side effects from the drug, particularily, if my body will lose the ability to create endorphins or seratonin on its own. right now, the side effects are making me jittery and more active.

the mood change could also be due to the fact that im playing bass again. im almost at my peak performance again, and it feels great. its one of the few things that makes me feel like im doing something right. ive nearly forgotten how much i love playing, strumming fast and hard, the sharp clicking sound of the strings hitting against the frets and pickups, feeling the vibrations of the strings as they resonate through the body of the guitar and to my own body, the cramps as i force my fingers to shapes they were never meant to be in. its just a background instrument, nobody really expects anything from the bass. its fitting for me.

ive been trying to play pachelbel's canon, got the main riff down, but id like to do the whole thing. got parts of the moonlight sonata and small parts of symphony #8. im gonna try to get down a lot of satanic surfers songs, mainly for the scales. not sure if i can even touch matt freeman's solos, but its crossed my mind.

started playing because my old band wants me back. i agreed, but the situation is going to be rough considering they're several miles away. its slightly different this time, since im not really afraid anymore, or maybe i dont care anymore?

i have a tendency to aim for the impossible with the bass, and tiring myself out after a while.

still awake, have to get to work in another 3-4 hours.

apparently i have ADD + major depressive disorder. therapy was recommended for the depression and social anxiety, but im a little cautious about the threapy because of my social anxiety. there was some mention of conditions that i wasnt familiar with; anhedonia and guilt. also, they gave me an iq test. below average in processing speed, and above average in perception. means im creative, yet slow i guess? antidepressants seem to just make me confused. im tempted to stop taking them, but then i remember how it was like before, the reason i tried to find help in the first place. most likely going about this the wrong way. trying to find distractions, but then i look back and think why, and it doesnt make sense.

saw video games live last night. they had a few opening skits (cosplay contest & some amvs), then they opened up with a medley of classics. it was kinda sloppy, but they caught up for the rest of the evening. loved the MGS portion, they had the choir for it.

apparently, 5 hours of sleep is not nearly enough, according to my doc. it never occured to me, since it seems ive been doing it out of habit on weekdays. it only crossed my mind as i was filling out a general health survey. could be a huge contributor to the depression.

in addition to that, i was told i need to eat 3 meals a day. i tried it, felt horrible. its way too much food for me. i think i will stick to my regular 1? - 2 meals a day, but start off with breakfast at least, which i used to always skip. i dont feel hungry in the mornings.

work is somewhat stressful for a few reasons.
1. im not programming for the most part. im troubleshooting. i have no idea what to do more than half the time with their issues. a person from an outside domain is having trouble accessing the site, they ask me to address it. im a programmer, i just make the application, i dont know how to grant access, or if its even within my power given my limited rights over the network.

2. new restrictions are preventing me from doing my job. the customer has requested that we automate all the database imports. this would have been easy, and taken about 1 day, but new restrictions from the company have stretched this task to 2 months.

i applied for a position back in el paso again. the same position i applied for last time.

i think im trying to take on too many things. i need to focus on one project. hard to decide between programming and music. and from there, what to code (web site, flash game, iPhone, directX), or what type of music (chiptunes, punk, mashups, hip-hop/big beat) to focus on.

cant find the IIDX songs "golden cross" or "cookie bouquets" anywhere. ill probably have to make the mp3s myself....again. direct input + sound forge. not the best quality, but its something at least.

fuk

EDIT: managed to rip the audio from a dvd i forgot i had. was worth the trouble:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=8TEUPREL

work has started to slow down. i managed to find the time to play around with music this weekend.

there's so many things i want to do, i just dont have the time. learn japanese, learn piano, learn to sing & play rhythmic guitar at the same time, learn physics, learn mechanics, draw, paint, animate, make a web-based game, make a flash game, make a DirectX game, make a web site.

/********Self Analysis*********/

i did a bit of self-analysis, as i do from time to time. its hard for me to make conversation, so i often come across as boring. this lack of conversational skill stems from my lifelong habit of trying to go unnoticed in social situations, or avoid them altogether.

if the topic of conversation is me, or if somehow i become the center of attention, i get real nervous and try to shift the attention elsewhere. if people make fun of me, i dont say anything in hopes they will move on to another topic. most of the attention i receive has always been negative. my dad never really talked to me unless i was in trouble and needed to be punished. kids at school would always tell me to shut up whenever i tried to join in conversation. girls even more so, i quickly learned to avoid them.

i still dont like people.

at first i was thinking this shouldnt bother me. i am rather content keeping to myself and my hobbies, but i am denying life. like having a huge rollercoaster in your backyard, but never using it. there is a lot out there i have yet to experience, and im starting to wonder if i will ever will.

/********end*******/

still depressed. have been for years. ive always hated the idea of taking medication with the purpose of altering your mood or personality, but the depression shows no signs of seceding.

thought inspired by a youtube video i saw a while ago concerning dimensions.

a three-dimensional object would look odd to a two-dimensional being. to observe the whole object, it would be a series of shapes over time, as it traveled through the third dimension. it would resemble a pattern over time, similar to music. that would be how the two-dimensional being would recognize the 3D shape.

while mass cannot share space, meaning, it cannot occupy a space that is already occupied by another object, it can occupy the same space at different times. I could be sitting on the couch, get up to get a drink, then come back and find my little brother sitting in my spot. this relates back to how a 3D object would pass through 2D, it is occupying the same space, but it changes over time.

again, as the 3D object passes through the 2nd dimension, it would be a series of patterns to the 2-dimensional being, but to a 3D being, it exists simultaneously. all of the 2D shapes exist at the same time in the 3rd dimension.

this still gains my curiosity, how do 3D objects appear to 4-dimensional beings? do we exist simultaneously with ourselves from the last minute, all the way to when we were born, all the way to when we die?

if so, i imagine we, as humans, must look something like a vine, or a vineyard. we were all born from a mother, so we branch off at the point of birth. and if you cut the stem, all the dependent vines will die off, obviously. i like to imagine what all of humanity looks like. possibly a huge, beautiful net covering the earth.

further more, i really want to know what music looks like in the 4th dimension, seeing as how it is a series of patterns over time. yes, i know its impossible, but my imagination wont let it go, as i keep trying to visualize music in the 4th dimension. that's basically the whole point of this entry.

i wanna observe music in the 4th dimension.

people in shanghai are trying to hack into my computer, port 6000, i dont know why.

the drug situation in Juarez is making national news. time magazine and the bbc. i can only imagine the terror the citizens are facing daily. the drug lords forced the chief of police to step down by threatening to assassinate a cop every 48 hours. this is happenining right next to my hometown of El Paso. my parents said its the first thing on the news every night. im worried the violence will spread to el paso. im sure they'll make it into a glorified movie someday.

i really miss my hometown. or i really hate this city im currently living in.

sxsw is coming up again. i hope i will be able to go, lots of bands i want to see. mainly, Pendulum and Ocelot. i just hope i can finish this project at work so i can go. ive been working hard overtime these past few days to try to make sure i can go. put in about 70 hrs this last week. is that even legal?

i really wanted to do the RPM challenge, but i was way too tied up with work. heres the few sketches i was able to do:

• rpm_3 - was severly depressed when i made this. later on came to the realization im only being used. i guess i wanted to believe i was loved. still depressed over it now, actually.
• rpm_4 - me doing what i do, sampling. need to build up my sample library to something usable.
• rpm_5 - just a short riff. a tribue to the oldies i listen to frequently. we dont have songs like this anymore.